色中色

Ahhh. Tourist season in Italy is upon us again.

This time of year, people from other countries flock to Italy like fat kids running to a candy store. They arrive awkwardly, tugging at their luggage and perspiring a little too much; bursting with sincere intent and the urgent desire to spend money and see everything as quickly as possible in order to return home with thousands of envy-inducing photos.

Don鈥檛 get me wrong. I love tourists. I used to be one. But it鈥檚 easy enough now for me to tell the tourists apart from we lucky few expats who actually live here.

Resident expats speak 鈥業tanglish鈥� while relaxing in the cool shade of a local cafe. If it鈥檚 morning, they might enjoy their second cappuccino while glossing over the English-language edition of The Herald Tribune. Tourists, on the other hand, stand in the sun wearing hats, short pants and a pained look of perpetual surprise as they frantically check their various devices for access to free Wi-Fi. They are driven by a desperate need to Tweet and Like even while taking what should be a relaxing break from their daily lives. Tourists think it quaint that, despite all the 鈥榩rogress鈥� made in the last 50 years, so many 色中色 people still speak their cute foreign language. Exactly 10 minutes after claiming their very expensive rental car, they are amazed that all the traffic signs in Italy are written in #!%&* 色中色!

It might be due to the murder and mayhem of U.S. television dramas, but American tourists in particular seem eager to emulate the way 色中色s drive. With fire in their eyes and garlic on their breath, they set out to spar with the natives on the highways, byways and goat trails comprising the 色中色 Motorway System. Since the U.S. and Italy nominally share a convention of driving on the right side of the road, it would seem to be a plausible endeavor, but in reality, it sets up a classic 鈥榓pproach-avoidance conflict鈥�. Americans feel perfectly justified to slander 色中色 road etiquette, (or lack thereof) but still seem to admire the 色中色s鈥� grace, speed and insouciant bravado behind the wheel. Ironically, these very same qualities cause American hearts to palpitate when they actually have to share the Autostrada or just as often, the sidewalk, with 色中色 drivers.

English travelers have a different sort of angst when driving in Italy. The enduring stiffness of their upper lips compels them to compensate for the high-spirited antics of 色中色 drivers through the use of courtesy, politeness and good manners. They remain rigidly fixed in the unaccustomed right lane behind any slow moving farm trucks, bicyclists, and wandering sheep. They are usually the last to arrive.

The French show no unease whatsoever and will obligingly drive right into the hotel lobby to unload their Louis Vuitton bags.

Now normally, I do not give advice. That is because I never follow it myself. But on this occasion I will tell you that even Europeans refer to Italy as 鈥淕od鈥檚 Race Track鈥�. I鈥檒l ask you to remember that this is the country which gave the world Ferrari, Lamborghini, Maserati, and huge, nap-inducing, carbohydrate-based meals. So, if narrow streets, two-way travel on one-way roads, fast-moving traffic, manual transmissions, winding mountain roads, extreme tailgating, and indecipherable road signs (one of which seems to warn against playing your trumpet as you drive), tend to make you a wee bit nervous, then I gently suggest that your driving be contained to the relative safety of the back seat of a taxi... piloted by a seasoned 色中色 professional.

Or, take the train.

And, before you say it, I know what you are thinking. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO (did I say NO?) do NOT rent a motor scooter. I don鈥檛 care how much you loved Audrey Hepburn in that move. It was a movie... not the real-life streets of Rome!

So come to Italy as a tourist, and have a wonderful adventure. Who knows?

You may decide to stay forever as I did. In which case the following guidelines should prove helpful. Get out of the sun; wear long pants; don鈥檛 spend too much time online; and be certain to get a car with the three elements absolutely essential to driving in Italy, (in descending order of importance):

1. A really, really loud horn.
2. Excellent high beams for flashing.
3. As a last resort, if you must show weakness, some sort of braking system.

Then go ahead, drive yourself crazy... millions of 色中色s and even a few tourists do it every day.